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“You can should all over me, but…” This amazing statement will release you from the shoulds in life so your All is truly your own. 

Having it all isn’t about what we think it is. It isn’t about stretching and stretching and stretching until you break. But it is about defining your own all and having the ability to say no.

JoyGenea and Michelle discuss defining your all, what they have let go to get through their days, and how to prevent giving all of yourself away in an attempt to Have It All. So go ahead and lean out, people! You get to pick what you lean in to and no one gets to tell you what you should do to be happy.

TRANSCRIPT:

M:  Hi all! I’m Michelle owner of BadCat Digital.

J:  And I’m JoyGenea and I own Solutions by JoyGenea. Welcome to If These Heels Could Talk! 

M:  Today on our show we will be talking about and exploring this myth that I’ve heard of so much about.

J:  Yes.

M:  That myth of having it all.

J:  OOOOOOO… Well first I wanna apologize for being a little late for our recording today.

M: What?!?

J:  I know.  Thank you for understanding that and I really need to share this.  So the car wouldn’t start; the battery was dead.  I’ve replaced it not that long ago so something is amiss. 

M:  Ooh.

J:  I know.  But being little miss girl scout lifetime member and, you know me, I carry around way too many bags and I’m always prepared.  Everybody who knows me knows this.  Yes – Sherpa girl.  And so I do have a backup battery charger.  I have a full charger starter booster in the trunk.

M:  Uh huh.

J:  Guess what doesn’t open once you have a dead battery.

M:  Your trunk????

J:  Ah ha.

M:  Because it’s all electric and computerized now.

J:  You got it. So with a flashlight in the backseat I can see my starter but I cannot reach my starter.  So I became McGyverish and found a long pole and found the little thing and the trunk popped open and the car was then started and off we went. But no longer will the jump starter be in the trunk. As that is not an efficient way of hauling it.

M:  I never thought of it. There aren’t mechanical locks anymore.

J:  There’s not a key spot.

M: There’s not key spot.

J:  No. 

M:  It’s just a button.

J:  Yeah it laughed at me.  It really did.  I felt it just being like, “na na na.”

M: I am so glad that you did that cuz now I never will.

J: There you go.

M:  Not that I have.

J:  The backup battery booster starter. 

M: Booster starter thing.

J: With the extra plug in thing in case you want that by the campfire.

M:  Not at all.

J:  No.

M:  You know the camping thing.

J:  Oh yeah that’s right. That’s mean.

M:  That’s its own thing.  We don’t have to talk about the hell that is camping. 

J: This is true.

M:  It’s interesting to me cuz it never would have occurred to me that there’s no mechanical lock on my trunk anymore.

J:  No.

M: So I wouldn’t be able. Although I have one of those hatchbacks so I can get at everything through the back seat.

J:  Yeah. Well and I’ve owned cars in the past where like the whole seat comes down or half the seat comes down. No this just had the little like view and laugh section.

M:  It was to like peep.

J:  Yeah, I’m just like, I see you.  I so want you.  Then it was like where is that little thing you know. 

M: Yeah cuz there is that emergency button on the inside of the trunk in case you get stuck in it.

J:  And I am trying to figure out if I’m going to have to crawl in it to get that latch out.  Like if I’m going to have to crawl in to it I’ve got a shoulder in and a head in.

M:  Through the peep hole.

J:  Oh yeah.

M:  We’re learning to dislocate shoulders here.

J: It was.  I was thinking a little Mel Gibson there for a moment.

M: There was a moment.

J:  But anyways thanks. That’s our little having it all moment right there.

M:  So that is but what was, well obviously the anxiety of, can’t get into your car and can’t get your car started and all of that but what created the anxiety in that. Was it just that or was it added to with all of the appointments for the day and thinking about the rest of the day and how it was gonna be.

J:  Yes and who do I need to get a hold of first?  Like there’s that moment where it clicks.  Like if you’ve ever been in car that does not, the battery is dead, there’s that click click click and things are like hmm. There’s that moment where you’re like nah. Then you test again, you’re like ahhhhhh and then yeah you go through the whole day.  And it was Monday so it was just kinda like why did I get out of bed. 

M: No this is not an out of bed day.

J:  I’m like the bed isn’t that far away.  Like we can restart this. You know and then it’s who do I call first and how do I?

M: And how do I like divest myself of the day.

J:  Right I’m like am I ubering around town

M: Cuz now my whole day is going to be about this.

J:  Right.  Am I ubering around? Am I rescheduling? Am I renting a car?

M:  Yeah.

J:  You know I’m like…

M: Because it comes when you own a business because you know I like even when you just get sick cuz you know I have on average 9ish appointments a day and if I get sick not only do I have to make sure all of the staff know what they are supposed to do for the day but I have to contact everybody that I had appointments with and reschedule those appointments.  Not that I can just reschedule them for the next day or the day after cuz that day’s got 9 appointments and the one after it has 9 appointments and I really kind of miss the peace of when my husband gets sick and he kind of like tears one eye open. He emails…

J:  He emails.

M: He emails one person and says I’m sick today.  And then goes back to sleep. So this whole concept of having it all to bring it back.

J:  No we’re here.

M:  The concepts of having it all, it kinda ties back into all of that because not only…

J:  It’s the pressure we’ve put on ourselves.

M:  There is a lot of pressure that I put on myself but there is also a pressure I feel. I do feel pressure from outside because every time somebody says something like I just don’t know how you run this business and you do this and you do that and they say it with this like sense of ah.  It’s like we’ve created a social currency around being busy, around being present, around you know volunteering for things and saying yes and moving into and going and leaning in to everything that we do.

J:  Yes.

M:  And so it’s really and then when you actually honestly say no I’m sorry that doesn’t fit on my plate right now.

J:  Yes.

M: People really question you or look at you like you’ve done something wrong like why isn’t this charity thing a priority. Why isn’t that a priority.  It fits you, you like to do this.

J:  Well, we have a really good friend a mutual friend that works for a restaurant doing marketing and they are requested that all the time.

M: All the time.

J:  And she has to struggle with that because she appreciates everybody.

M:  Yeah.

J:  And the business wants to support a lot of things.

M: Everything.

J: But truly we’re also not charities.

M:  Right.

J: You know like this is not a .org behind my web address.  There is a .com

M: Yeah.

J:  I think as a woman who is very giving and looks at her community as very important to her, it’s a little challenging her job wise to be like you know what we can’t meet all the expectations.

M: Right.

J:  And I think that’s the overarching statement that I find.  Being the conversation in business right now and that is between men and women actually.  I’m really having those conversations about where we mapped out all.

M: Right.  What does All mean?

J: Well and I was coaching a wonderful gal recently and she was doing a home business type of thing.  It’s going very well but she was feeling pulled in multiple directions.

M: Yeah.

J:  Right.  She has 4 kids.  4 or 5 kids.

M:  Oh my gosh.

J:  And they’re young. They’re all at home.  Not super young but they’re at that in a lot of activities.

M:  Ohhh like late elementary school.

J:  Yup.

M:  Early middle school, where there’s a lot going on.

J: Well and emotionally and mentally.  Like you know what I mean.  Like there is so much growing that kinda happens in those 7,8,9,10 12, 13 you know, they’re still talking to you

M:  They’re still children.

J: Right and they’re still talking to you. They haven’t banned you as being complete idiots yet.  This is a key stage for her and so she was really shoulding. I call it shoulding.  She was shoulding on herself.  I should be doing this with my business. I should be doing that. And so we had the conversation and the piece of paper came out and I’m like what is your number one priority and I said I need you to open your checkbook and your calendar cuz that is going to tell me exactly what your priorities are. 

M: Right.

J:  Instantly.

M:  Instantly.

J:  Instantly. She sent me a photo of both.  Real quickly just a screen shot and I went perfect.  I said it’s your kids. 

M:  Yup.

J:  Of course and my husband.  Of course.  I’m like ok great how much time do you think like – you know we went thru this whole exercise and she was like oh my gosh.  That is. That is who I am right now.

M: Right now.

J:  At this point. Right now my all.

M: Right.

J:  Is this.

M:  Is this.

J:  And so I told put the rest down.  You could tell she was lugging around all this extra shoulding from church and from –

M: School.

J:  Yup and from other business owners.

M:  Yes.

J: Cuz she was in all these circles. All these spheres and each sphere –

M:  Oh and you should read this and should do that and you should do this.  To take your business to the next level you should do this. You should do that.

J:  Right.

M:   Just take that out of your vocabulary.

J: Oh yeah. She put the shoulds down.  Like all the backpacks went down and I made her write an affirmation about being the family engineer. And being the family leader.

M: Mmm.

J: And what that was.

M:  And what that means.

J:  Right. And when she got done with that she’s like this is my all.  And I will give what’s left to business or something else but she’s like this is my all. And I’m like yeah. I’m like own that. And it will be. And so I really and I feel it changes.

M:  Oh, it changes. It changes all the time.  And the other thing I think is that I think we collectively have created this you know almost a pedestal, especially on social media of snapshots of somebody’s like –  Literal snapshot because you know that right behind that perfectly posed, made-up Instagram photos that’s like woke up like this! Bullshit. Right behind that their kid is lighting fire to a diaper or something.

J: Right.

M:  Or there’s a client who’s picking up the phone to fire you or there’s a car with a battery that doesn’t work.

J:  Right right right.

M:  And starter in a trunk that’s not gonna open up.

J:  Right.

M:  Because that’s what life is.

J: Right.

M: And I just. It’s one of those things that I actually find a challenge in the business ownership community of that vulnerability that people just don’t say it and I say it all the time.

J:  You do.

M:  Part of owning a business is crying in the shower.  Part of owning a business is, you know, it’s messy, it’s dirty, it’s hard.  It’s really really hard. And it’s really lonely. A lot of the time it’s very lonely.

J:  Yes.

M: And it’s all of these things that are not glamorous and it’s working you know your tail off for something that you don’t know if it’s gonna be a good thing or not.  We’ve got everything on the line on a business. Everything goes on hold to fund a business so you’re not saving for retirement.

J:  Not at first.

M:  You’re not doing this, you’re doing that. All of the should’s.

J:  Yes.

M:  Are paused. And all of the personal stuff gets paused so that you can build something with absolutely no guarantee of whether or not it’s going to pay off in the end.

J: Yeah. Which can also not just in business that could also apply with jobs.

M: Absolutely.

J:  I’ve met a variety of people that have given it all and sacrificed long hours and so forth and then when it came time to downsize or something needed to shift they got let go.   But they had been the person that opened the place and closed the place and you know like did all that and they were left standing. They’re going wait a minute I like I sacrificed a bunch of me.

M: Yeah.

J:  For you.

M:  And when you put that up in comparison to you know that Cheryl at the PTA made better cupcakes then you, it’s really kind of dumb.

J:  Oh immensely.

M: Cupcakes are stupid. You are right about the calendar and checkbook thing though. Cuz you can’t lie about that. This is where your money goes.  That where your priority is.  This is where your time goes. That’s where your priority is and if you don’t like where your money and your time is going then you don’t like what your priorities are.

J:  Or what you’ve allowed to become your priorities.

M:  Right.

J:  I think that for me that’s what I’ve noticed my experience in living has been like. At first I acquired my parents priorities.

M:  Yeah.

J:  And you know your twenties is I think for a lot of us that maybe I didn’t have ton of direction. 

M:  Yeah, I was 22 before I realized I could stop buying skim milk cuz I didn’t like it.  I had been out of my parent’s house for 4 years and still buying skim milk and then throwing it away because my mother always bought skim milk.

J:  Right.  Like that’s just it.  You know it was the environment we grew up in and I didn’t exactly launch out of high school. Like yes I want to become this and I know it.  I was really like wow and now what.

M:  This sucks.

J:  I know I’m like now what.  I’m gonna try these things. Ooo that didn’t work and you know like I was just figuring it out as I was going which is my style. 

M:  Yeah.

J: Which is ok.  But there’s a whole lot of should’s.  I think the first super should dump was definitely graduation.  So what are you gonna do now? 

M:  Yeah.

J: And you’re like just deer in headlight I will say anything.

M:  Yeah I will say anything.  I will make up a 10-year life plan on the spot just so that you go away.

J: Right.  I’m like I’m going to a college.  It’s like I’m doing anything.

M:  I’m going to go to here and do this and then all of sudden it’s start to become what you’ve like you do things because you said you were going to.

J:  Yes.

M:  Not because you really want them. This is how I got married the first time by the way.

J:  Ooh.

M:  Well cuz that’s what happens.  You know, you’re in late twenties, you’re dating somebody. You should get married. It’s time.

J: Right.

M:  You should want this. Your friends are getting married like things happen right.  And this is who you are with so you should and then you start planning a wedding and then what are you going to do just back out?

J: Who does that?

M: Who does that?

J:  I haven’t seen that before.

M:  And then you get married to maybe somebody you shouldn’t have gotten married to in the first place.

J: And your family may have advised you not to.

M: And people may have gently tried to steer you in another direction.

J:  Yes.

M:  But it is what it is.  And now you’re married and now you’ve made a commitment to something and you should…

J:  Absolutely.

M:  Stick with your commitment and you should should should should should should. And all of a sudden.

J:  It’s a pretty heavy brick wall when you run into it.

M:  It’s pretty bad.

J:  It is.

M:  It’s, it’s, yeah.  It’s pretty bad and so I think that for me the concept of having it all really means being careful about defining all.  Just like you were saying.

J:  Yeah.

M: What is my all? And what is my all today, is not my all tomorrow, is not my all the day after.

J: And you know you’re out of, I call it out of alignment.  When you have drift from what is the new all or what needs to be top priorities when you hate getting up in the morning.

M:  Yeah.  Or you really just don’t wanna go.

J:  You can’t wait to go home, you can’t wait. You are avoiding a variety of things.  Like how late can I be to get to something?

M:  Procrastination is really just another way of saying that you don’t want to do it in the first place.

J:  Right. And that is your mind and body trying to be like, hey excuse me, we’re not actually over here anymore. We’ve moved and you either need you know, like you’re gonna need to catch on to this or I’m gonna start, you’re gonna get sick and like things are just going to break down in the system because you’re not…

M:  In it.

J:  Right and it’s not easy always to identify it.

M:  Well and I don’t think that this is just you know we talk a lot about pressure and the pressure that women put themselves under and the pressure that women put on other women by judging all of the time. And judging maybe is you know, we judge ourselves really quite harshly, but I think we take that and give it to other people too. Like why aren’t you judging yourself as harshly as I’m judging myself?

J: Right.

M: Or we assume that they’re not just because of you know what their life looks like again in this tiny little snapshot that we’re seeing.  But I recently had a conversation with somebody about a man that I know who she said he’s just happier. I don’t know what it is, he just looks happier in this picture then I’ve seen in a long time and I said he’s got his eye crinkles back.

J:  Yeah.

M:  Because in the picture he’s not smiling for the camera he’s smiling with his eyes.

J:  He had actual micro expressions.

M:  He had an actual micro expression of happiness. Not a micro expression of stress or anxiety or you know just this like somebody told me to smile, ehhhh I’m smiling.  You know like teeth.  You know like with this mild panic in the background.

J:  Yeah. I do know that look.

M:  Well and then there’s other things that you give up you know.  I read an article there’s a concept of kin-keeping this idea that in cis gendered partnership, in cis gendered hetero partnership, the woman takes on the role of maintaining relationship with extended family. This concept of kin-keeping right.

J:  Yeah.

M: And it started the minute I got married. My husband didn’t get all of his nieces and nephews Christmas presents.  He would maybe get one of them a Christmas present.  It was just so odd to me that he didn’t.  He didn’t do birthday cards or call people on their anniversary. Or any of that so I started a calendar and talked to his mom and da da da da da.

J: Right.

M:  I don’t do that anymore.

J:  How come?

M:  Because it’s his family.

J: Ohhhh.. it’s not your all.

M:  It’s his family dynamic and it works for him and his family for however many years before I came around and that’s just the way that it is.  I do that for my family because that’s our family dynamic but if he wants to deal with it in his family then he can deal with it in his family. 

J: His way.

M: His way.

J:  His people.

M:  His people.  His way.  And I’m just letting it be.  I am just letting it go.  I’m not thinking anymore about whether my mother-in-law thinks I have you know molded him into the appropriate adult yet.  That’s not our relationship.  And I’m not going to do that.  I learned in my first marriage that that’s not going to happen.

J:  It’s not very respectful, actually, to another person.

M:  It’s not respectful to another person and try and shift them.

J:  It’s putting your judgment your beliefs right on top of who he is.

M:  All in the middle of our relationship where it doesn’t need to be.  About something that frankly it doesn’t need to be there.

J:  No.

M:  Like because really like they care that much about the card.  It’s going to take me probably 20 minutes, maybe 45 minutes, to go to the store, pick one, out pay for it, find a stamp, because we all know that’s not something we just have laying around anymore.  Put it in the mail, again not as easy as it seems to have been when we mailed all of our bills, but now I don’t mail anything anymore so it’s actually like a project to mail something.

J:  Yeah.

M:  So you mail it or your take the package to the UPS store. An hour and half. They’re gonna look at it for 30 seconds and throw it away.

J:  Yeah.

M:  So no, not in my all.  Anymore.  I’m just letting it go.

J: Well there’s only 24 hours. Like I’m always going back like there are 24 hours.  And that’s not negotiable. 

M:  No.

J:  I can’t take some here.

M:  Time is just time.

J:   Yeah and so once it’s gone, it’s gone.

M:  Right.

J:  And so if you’re feeling slightly insane or out of balance and so forth that is exactly when you start to look at what you’ve accepted or taken on that and I do think as for me as I’ve aged, it’s been easier to identify and so forth.  I do feel like the next generation behind you is even doing a better job at.

M:  I think so too.

J: I think they watched their parents more and said well I’m gonna do it differently and I’m enjoying watching that.

M:  And this gets into kind of what you were talking about in the work spaces as well about giving so much of yourself.  You know I watched my parent’s generation just get their pensions cut, their benefits were cut, their retirement just went away. I watched people get laid off and not be able to get jobs again. I watched this whole thing and the generation behind me saw that in an even bigger way because they were more vulnerable through it then I was.  I wasn’t living with my parents when all of this happened.

J:  Oh, you’re right.

M:  But the generation behind me was and they were there for it. They watched the stress on people’s marriages, the stress on people’s lives.

J:  And they had done what their parents did.

M: They had done what they were supposed to do.

J: They followed the rules. They went and got the jobs.  They showed up every day. You know like they did the same thing that their parents did.

M:  And they were not rewarded for it with any sort of loyalty.

J:  And all moved.

M:  And it all shifted.  The expectation shifts. And so now I have conversations with business owners who are like, I don’t understand the next generation. They’re just not loyal, they’re just not this and they’re just not that and I was like why would we expect them to be.

J: Right.

M: Why would I expect any of my staff to be loyal to my business when they have absolutely no expectation that my business will be loyal to them.

J: Right. It’s not a realistic expectation.

M:  So creating culture is about creating that loyalty.  Maybe that’s a new podcast topic.

J:  Yeah.

M:  But I feel like this idea of it all in that giving of yourself to a job is just gone.

J: Well and that’s where I think your generation and the one-

M:  After me.

J: That’s coming along watched that and went oh they gave everything.

M:  And got….

J:  I didn’t have a parent and I was a latch key kid. And had to do all this stuff all by myself and independently they didn’t win.  I didn’t win.  Who won?

M:  Who won?

J:  I think that’s where my generation stood and looked at it and went, who won out of this deal?

M:  Yeah.  Cuz it certainly wasn’t me.

J:  Right.  I’m like I didn’t win. They don’t look happy.  Like my generation and yours were looking at the fact that how are we going to be helping our parents in their retirement? That’s the reality of it because of these big changes.

M:  Because of all of these changes.

J:  And so it does change. Again it goes back to our having it all. I might not you know being realistic about it, I might not be able to help.

M:  Right.

J:  With a lot. That’s part of my, you know, that’s part of the all that’s out there.  I’m not. Yeah it does, it shifts and what I’m finding at this point is that each year I do a goal.  I do a goal boards sometimes its… Anyways it’s somehow a list at some point.  Of kind of my goals for the next year. 5 years.  10 years. 

M:  And we are not saying that you should do this.

J:  Nope. I’m saying that’s what I figured out works well for me.

M:  Yes.

J:  Over the holiday.  Over the Christmas holiday I put out a 3 ring binder. I do this every year.  What I’m also starting to define in there is what is happiness and what is success for me.

M:  Yeah. That’s good.

J:  Because I’m finding you can set out some crazy, you can be like I wanna win the lottery and have a hundred and twenty million dollars.

M:  Yeah.

J:  Is that really within my…  Would I be happy there?

M: Right.

J:  Would that be successful for me?

M:  Right.

J:  You know and I don’t know that it would.

M: Right.

J:  I don’t know what that would for me.  So I have to you know I start now pushing up against and defining that each year and I’m finding that to be a nice three way balance. 

M:  That’s interesting.

J:  Of happiness and success.  Because I was measuring success in an unrealistic manner and I needed to correct that.

M:  Yeah.

J:  It wasn’t obtainable. So, I was always feeling like I was never successful.  Well you can’t walk around and feel like a failure all the time.

M:  Well and that’s the thing that really a coach has helped me with is understanding that I need to define what success looks like and that you know growth for the sake of growth is not necessarily the best way forward.  And that if, you know, my business grows past my capability to run it what does that look like.  Would I be happy in that? Do I want it that way? Do I want a business that’s running alongside me instead of me running it?  And maybe I do and maybe I don’t. I don’t know the answer to that yet.  And that’s ok.

J:  Yes.

M:  Because it’s certainly not going to happen tomorrow. And so it’s just a matter of like, ok what is it and allowing that to change. So as we do this kind of concept of having it all and I read all of these articles that say can women really have it all. Can women really do that? Can women really do this?  And it always seems to be about balancing work and life and I reminded of when I was in college I had a constitutional law class and the professor of the constitutional law class I was sitting in there with I was running for student body president and the person that was running for vice president was a non-traditional student. He was older, married.  I was 22, not married.

J:  Sure.

M:  And here’s this 28-year-old married guy that was running for vice president but the professor of the constitutional law asked turned to me and said well, if you’re going to be in politics how are you going to balance that with family?  22 unmarried, no children, no plans to be married.

J:  You don’t have to worry about it.

M:  And here’s a 28-year-old guy whose wife is pregnant, not that constitutional law guy knew that but it wasn’t even a question for him.  Now this is something that I do think is shifting and I do think we create more of this pressure and more of this kind of home life pressure.  And I can tell you I have said in the past, gosh, I really need a wife.  To run the house because I don’t have time to do it.

J:  Yeah.

M:  But wouldn’t it be great if I could just turn to my husband and say could you do this please?

J:  Yeah.

M: Or wouldn’t it be great if he just took the burden out of my brain to just do it. All of those things and so as we move forward redefining that, and redefining that in our partnership, and being clear and articulate about that I not just need him to do it but I need him to think of it so I don’t have to.

J: Well.

M:  Is a big thing.

J:  And in our household the question becomes why.

M:  Right.

J:  And it’s not wrong.

M:  Does it really have to get done.

J:  Like I can do that but like he has a look now where I’m like well it will just look better.  And as soon as I say it, I’m like yeah that goes on a weekend sometime.

M:  Yeah.

J:  And he’s like ok.

M:  Ok.

J:  Yup.

M: And that’s totally fine.

J: And it has a location and it’s out of my brain.

M:  Yup

J:  And it’s been identified.

M: And it’s been identified. And then you just let things go. 

J: Cuz they do like, he all of sudden has these miracle… you know what I mean, where he’s got a free space in his all.

M: Right.

J:  To add that in.  And he does.

M:  And he does.  And he gets it done.  And then it’s out of your brain and it’s not part of his and so all of those things and I gave myself the gift of having somebody come and do cleaning every other week. 

J:  Yeah.

M:  Of you know, not caring that much about what we had for dinner because I don’t want to plan it. I don’t want to cook it.  I don’t want to clean up after it.  My husband does that. But in order to do that I had to let go of control of it.

J:  Yes.  And that is part of having it all.

M: Right.

J:  That I see people running into is the I want to have it all and I want to control it all.

M: Right. 

J: Those are two different things

M:  I want you to do it, but you have to do it exactly the way that I want it done without me having to tell you.

J:  You have a lot.  You can have a lot more then you think you can.

M: Right.

J: When you let go of the how the bus gets there.

M:  Yeah.

J:  Recalculate.  It happens all the time.

M:  Yeah. Well and don’t care so much about how the plates get put in the dishwasher because the important thing is that you’re not the one putting them in there.

J: Right.  It got done.

M:  It got done.

J: It’s great.  And it works out.

M:  And it works out just fine.

J:  So I say you know we dream big dreams. We need make ourselves and other people not wrong if they don’t achieve them.

M:  Yeah.

J:  We need to be gracious and gentle with other people.

M:  And with ourselves.

J:  Yes.

M:  And I think that starts with becoming gracious and gentle with ourselves.

J: It does.

M:  I stopped judging other people right after I stopped judging myself so harshly.  I still do it. I still have that voice in my brain – the should’s. The – why aren’t you doing it like this? Why isn’t that done yet? 

J:  I know what I look like when I go to the gym.

M:  Yeah.

J:  I’m aware.

M:  Yeah.

J:  I’m aware I’m the largest person in the room.  When I’m in my exercise class.

M:  Ah ha.

J:  I don’t care.

M:  Right.

J:  Cuz I’m at the exercise class.

M:  You’re at the exercise class.

J:  My butt’s there baby.

M:  Yeah.

J:  That’s it.

M:  Yeah.  And I have stopped saying to myself, well if I don’t go three times a week it’s not worth going at all.  I go when I can. I get there when I can.  And I’m there.  And when I’m there, I’m there and when I’m not, I’m not and that’s the end.

J:  Yeah.

M:  And I’m just done.  I’m just done with all of it.  And so that when you can give yourself that, it becomes so much easier to give it go other people because you are not secretly resenting them the whole time for not judging themselves as harshly as you judge yourself.

J:  Yeah.  And who made you right about everything.

M: Well you know. I have to say I usually am.

J:  Yeah, I’m pretty aware I am not.  I get a few good ones in there but….

M:  Oh come on you could have, like, played along with me

J:  No.  Noooo.  Cuz too often we think our great idea is belongs on everybody else.

M:  It’s true.  It’s true and we rarely know the whole picture of anything and it comes up every time something happens in the business where my husband offers this amazing advice and says well you should just… you should just.  Like it’s that simple and sometimes it is.  And sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize that it is and sometimes it’s actually not that simple and it’s just that he doesn’t have the entire picture.  And we rarely have the entire picture of somebody else’s life. Even family and friends. We’re not…

J:  We’re not walking in their shoes.

M:  No.  I’m not living your life. So I don’t get to tell you how live yours.

J:  No. 

M:  Interesting as we move forward, I think the biggest thing with having it all is redefining what all means to us so we can have what we prioritize instead of trying to live up to other people’s definition of all.

J:  I would leave everybody – which is a great point.  I would leave everybody with a little project.  Grab a sheet of paper and a pen and write down what you think your all is.  Like in the next year.  I did all of these things that I would be the bomb. Like I would feel complete and whole that’s kind of the statement and then I would tell you to show that list to a couple of your trusted advisors, your good girlfriend or you know a really good male friend. Your best friend basically and your significant other type of person and say is this realistic. I really would because if they love you they’re gonna look at that and go wow that’s ambitious and they might be like and that’s even out of alignment with you know your values and some of your stuff. So I would leave with a little project for everybody.

M:  I like that project and I like that action step but I will also say,

J:  Don’t have to do it.

M:  That you don’t have to do it.

J:  Yup.

M:  That it’s completely up to you if you feel like it would be helpful for you go for it and if not just walk away.

J:  Skip it.

M:  I love that. Well that’s it for today’s episode of If These Heels Could Talk. 

J: Thank you so much.

M:  That was such a smooth transition.  We hope that we have brought you some new ideas and encouraged you in a new direction.  Inspired you a bit to just say no.